Terrible Cleaning Advice

If you are a compulsively tidy person, you may want to skip this one. I once tried to articulate a version of my cleaning philosophy to my younger sister, who is very neat, and she became agitated and had to leave the room. I've always been messy, and now I live with a darling man who is even messier than me, and sometimes our house is a disaster. But I have made some realizations recently that helped me a lot, and now, I will share them with you! For free, even. Again, if you are naturally neat, you should probably stop reading now.

 1) Give up on perfection. No, really. I've been reading about hoarding recently, and I was surprised to learn that hoarders almost universally self-identify as perfectionists. It seemed counter-intuitive at first, but really, it makes sense. One of the reasons hoarders let their house get so icky is that they feel like they can't start a project if they don't have time to finish it perfectly. And they never have time to finish it perfectly. Most of us do this, a little bit, and I certainly did. But then I discovered an amazing magic trick. If I only have time/willpower to do one thing, I do that one thing. If the stove and the counter both need cleaning, and you only bother to clean the counter, well, now the counter is clean.

2) Small cleaning makes big cleaning. Once I start with a small, easy task, I often see something else that needs doing, and complete that, and so on, in an awesome chain of semi-competence. And if the cleaning chain reaction doesn't happen, well, now the counter is clean.

3) Some things are naturally icky.  I know that most of us don't have full control over where we end up living, and there are financial issues and such here. But if you are naturally messy and lazy, try to avoid wall-to-wall carpeting. The only people who can keep carpet clean are type-A neatfreaks who find vacuuming satisfying instead of obscurely disturbing, and if you read this far, that's probably not you. Other things that are impossible to keep clean include: food processors, white couches, and fondue sets.

4) A little organization is better than none. I keep all my bank statements and stuff in the cardboard box our crock pot came in. I know, it's horrible, but I can't afford a filing cabinet, and now if I need some paperwork, I know it's somewhere in this 1-square-foot box, instead of somewhere in my scandalous house.

5) If you couldn't keep a houseplant alive three years ago, you can't now. I realize it's weird, but I am totally baffled by houseplants. Isn't the point of a house to keep you out of the plants? Having a plant in my house is like having a snake in the tub--it's great, but it belongs outside. If you're not a weirdo like me, and you want to get a bunch of plants all of a sudden, ask yourself this question: Do you actually like plants, or do you just want to be the kind of person who likes plants? If you are a messy person who has awesome houseplants, well, I salute you. 

6) Be realistic. If you're a really messy person, you're not going to turn into Martha Stewart (or more accurately, her army of maids) overnight. You can learn to not be so ridiculous, but it's a gradual process.

7) Caffeine. It's like a goddamn miracle.